Living with a significant other

[TruffleShuffle]

The "apartment lease" thread in social made me think of this question. My brother and his fiancee have been living together for two years now, much to the consternation of my parents. I also had a long conversation about this issue with a good friend, a Jesuit priest at Holy Cross, who shared his thoughts with me.

 

The question is, would you live, or have you lived, with a person you're dating before you get married? I'll share the contents of the talk I had with my Jesuit friend, because I thought they were very interesting.

[Andy]

I didn't vote because I honestly don't know. I'd like to wait until after marriage, but financially, emotionally, etc. it seems to make more sense to do so.

[soapy]

I voted "yes, while dating." There is a coveat though; only if I didn't have kids. If I had kids, I don't think I would do that for fear of confusing them. I've seen that get ugly a few times with some friends.

 

Personally, I lived with my wife before we were married, but we were engaged. There was no way we were going to pay for two different places to live. It just didn't make any sense.

 

Supposedly divorce rates are higher for people who live together before they are married, but I don't know if I believe that. A priest told me that. Not calling him a liar, I just have never seen that stat myself.

[Yeti]

yes, while dating. i have lived with 3 different women i was dating...the arrangements lasted anywhere from 6 months to 5 years. cohabitation was never the reason for the split up, but not being married sure made it easier

[treebird]

Supposedly divorce rates are higher for people who live together before they are married, but I don't know if I believe that. A priest told me that. Not calling him a liar, I just have never seen that stat myself.

 

it's true that the divorce rates are higher for those who cohabitate before marriage, but this is almost certainly due to the fact that the people are more likely to cohabitate (people with financial issues, for example) are more likely to divorce anyway, regardless of cohabitation.

[TruffleShuffle]

I voted "yes, while dating." There is a coveat though; only if I didn't have kids. If I had kids, I don't think I would do that for fear of confusing them. I've seen that get ugly a few times with some friends.

 

Personally, I lived with my wife before we were married, but we were engaged. There was no way we were going to pay for two different places to live. It just didn't make any sense.

 

Supposedly divorce rates are higher for people who live together before they are married, but I don't know if I believe that. A priest told me that. Not calling him a liar, I just have never seen that stat myself.

 

He was telling the truth. There's a big difference in the divorce rates - people who live together pre-marriage are almost 50% more likely to get divorced than people who don't. There are a couple of caveats though - one, if the person who you marry is the only romantic partner you've lived with, then the chance of divorce is significantly lower. And, if the marriage lasts more than 7 years, then the difference between couples co-habitating before marriage and those who didn't is just about zero.

 

Now this begs the question as to whether cohabitation is the reason for the higher divorce rate, or whether there are other factors involved - for example, cohabitating couples are less likely to be religious, and non-religious people have a higher divorce rate. They're also, on average, people of lower income, and divorce is higher among people with less wealth. There's also the social upbringing issue. Some would argue that these things have more to do with the higher divorce rate than the cohabitation itself.

[TruffleShuffle]

Supposedly divorce rates are higher for people who live together before they are married, but I don't know if I believe that. A priest told me that. Not calling him a liar, I just have never seen that stat myself.

 

it's true that the divorce rates are higher for those who cohabitate before marriage, but this is almost certainly due to the fact that the people are more likely to cohabitate (people with financial issues, for example) are more likely to divorce anyway, regardless of cohabitation.

 

I wouldn't say it's "almost certainly" due to that - I'll share my thoughts on that a little later.

[erik316wttn]

I'd at least wait until engagement. But that's just me, though.

 

My wife and I were engaged for about 3 months before I moved in with her.

[jersey cubs fan]

I would, and I have.

 

The divorce rate thing is meaningless, with all the other factors that go along with it. We actually lived in the same suite one year in college as well. But our junior and senior years we lived apart. We each got a place with a roommate post college, and lived like that for 3 years. Then she moved in, we bought another place 2 years later, got engaged a year after that and married the following year. So, I lived with my wife for about 4 years before the day we got married. Her family was 100% cool with it. My parents were fine, but we had to pretend otherwise with my GParents. Pretty much every single one of my married friends and close relatives lived together before marriage. I can see why somebody would want to not live together first, but it was the right choice for us, as we were very likely to get married, but just not quite ready for an actual marriage committment.

 

I would recommend it, although I wouldn't recommend going straight from the parents house to living with a significant other.

[vance_the_cubs_fan]

I've lived with a significant other before marriage, though my current wife and I maintained separate places until we were married, yet we often spent the night at each other's place.

[UK1679666180]

Yes, it's like a free trial offer, so you can try it before getting stuck with paying for it.

 

(j/k)

[vance_the_cubs_fan]

I'm trying to figure out to get my old apartment back without pissing off the wife...:lol:

 

j/k

[jersey cubs fan]

I've lived with a significant other before marriage, though my current wife and I maintained separate places until we were married, yet we often spent the night at each other's place.

 

What are you going to do next time?

[soapy]

I voted "yes, while dating." There is a coveat though; only if I didn't have kids. If I had kids, I don't think I would do that for fear of confusing them. I've seen that get ugly a few times with some friends.

 

Personally, I lived with my wife before we were married, but we were engaged. There was no way we were going to pay for two different places to live. It just didn't make any sense.

 

Supposedly divorce rates are higher for people who live together before they are married, but I don't know if I believe that. A priest told me that. Not calling him a liar, I just have never seen that stat myself.

 

He was telling the truth. There's a big difference in the divorce rates - people who live together pre-marriage are almost 50% more likely to get divorced than people who don't. There are a couple of caveats though - one, if the person who you marry is the only romantic partner you've lived with, then the chance of divorce is significantly lower. And, if the marriage lasts more than 7 years, then the difference between couples co-habitating before marriage and those who didn't is just about zero.

 

Now this begs the question as to whether cohabitation is the reason for the higher divorce rate, or whether there are other factors involved - for example, cohabitating couples are less likely to be religious, and non-religious people have a higher divorce rate. They're also, on average, people of lower income, and divorce is higher among people with less wealth. There's also the social upbringing issue. Some would argue that these things have more to do with the higher divorce rate than the cohabitation itself.

 

Right. Like I said, I never had seen the stat, but tended to believe the guy. However, my wife and I (girlfriend at the time) came to the same conclusion that there were many other factors likely contributing to said divorce aside from living together before marriage. Financial, upbringing, religious beliefs, etc.

[Marco4]

I plan on it in about a month's time. Hopefully it'll work out, and if it does, I won't be posting here so much. (No internet access)

[CDBears1259]

My fiance (g/f up until March) and I have been living together for a little more than 2 years and I can't imagine it any other way. I've gotten to see firsthand what's in store for me. I've lived with previous g/fs and it's always been a good way for me to determine whether this person would make a good life partner, regardless of the monetary and religious implications (not at issue in our situation as we both have financial resources and have a belief in God).

 

I kind of look at it like this: How many people buy a car without driving it?

[vance_the_cubs_fan]

I've lived with a significant other before marriage, though my current wife and I maintained separate places until we were married, yet we often spent the night at each other's place.

 

What are you going to do next time?

 

I'm hoping this is the last time.

[soccer10k]

I lived with my girlfriend from April through July of last year but that was due to a situation that would take too long to explain. She didn't want to live with me before we got engaged but living together than was, by far, the best option we had. I had my own place last year but we're engaged now and living together. I had nothing against living together while just dating her but she didn't want to before getting engaged.

[rawaction]

Lived with my wife for over 3 years now. Been married for 2 months. Been engaged about a year. We lived apart in the same city for the 1st year. Lived long distance for the 2nd year. 3rd year, I moved here and we lived together because I didnt' have a job and it didn't make sense to get an apartment for a year, just to move back in with her when we inevitably got engaged.

 

I come from a religious background, but I think the "old-fashioned" way is played out. Nowadays, you almost have to live with someone in order to make sure it's gonna work out. I believe the best way to do it would be to ease into it. When your dating, live apart, but as things get more serious, slowly head in that direction (keys to each other's house/apt, come and go as you please, provided you don't have a roomate). Then move in together as you get engaged and try it out for a year or so before seriously getting into the wedding planning.

[OleMissCub]

Lived with my college girlfriend for a year and never had a problem with it.

[XZero771679666304]

I've lived with girlfriends a couple times before. It doesn't always work out, but it is really the best way to find out how compatible two people really are.

 

It's better to find out you can't stand living with someone before you actually get engaged/married, IMO.

[Slugger_16]

I can't say for sure, but I think I would. If the person gets on your nerves or you have a fight, if you're not living together you can just go home and get away from them to blow off some steam. When you're living together, like in marriage, you're already home and you can't truly get away from the person.

 

It's funny because my brother and his wife didn't live together before they got married. They're both pretty religious (they met at church and her dad is a pastor), so cohabitation was not an option. On the other hand, my sister moved in with her bf about the same time my brother got married. Both seem to be doing pretty well, so I've seen each side.

[CubinNY]

Aside from the silly religious reasons, I don't really see the disatvantegs.

 

About living together before marriage and higher divorce rates; correlation does not equal causation. There are myriad factors that contribute to a divorce, I highly doubt co-habitation b/f marriage is one of them.

[TruffleShuffle]

Nowadays, you almost have to live with someone in order to make sure it's gonna work out.

 

I definitely disagree with this, considering that the people who don't do it are more likely to work out.

[Slugger_16]

Nowadays, you almost have to live with someone in order to make sure it's gonna work out.

 

I definitely disagree with this, considering that the people who don't do it are more likely to work out.

 

There's a difference between being married and being happily married. 25 years of marriage doesn't mean much if you're miserable and the only reason you're still together is because your religion frowns upon divorce. Guess it depends on your definition of "working out."