I Want A New Cub (song parody)

[Moises a loo]

We're not done venting yet, are we? Because that would be a shame.

 

 

(to the tune of "I Want A New Drug" by Huey Lewis and the News)

 

 

I want a new Cub

One that won't make me hurl

One that won't win a hundred games

Then turn into a girl

 

I want a new CUB

One that ain't 'fraid o' goats

One that won't crap his pants

When the team needs him most

 

One that won't make me freak out

One that won't make me spew

One that won't play hopscotch in left field like you-know-who

And knows the strike zone too

 

I want a new Cub

One that won't tempt fate

One that won't pitch like Mr. Magoo

When Derek Lowe is at the plate

 

I want a new CUB

One I'm proud to call mine

One that lights up the other team

Not the suicide hot line

 

One that won't make me nervous

One that ain't filled with fear

One that will not play like Miss October every year

Year after year after year

After year after year after year, baby

 

I want a new Cub

One that plays like a man

One that won't blame a stinking cat

One that won't blame a stinking fan

 

I want a new CUB

One that plays like he should

One that's less like "Neal and Bob"*

One that's more like HARDEN/ WOOD

 

One that won't get my hopes up

Then turn around and choke

One that makes me feel like I'm not a freaking joke

Makin' we want to croak

Chokety choke choke choke

Choke choke choke choke choke choke choke choke

 

 

 

*some apologies to Cotts, whose name was in the wrong place at the wrong time

[manbearcub]

I saw them today at the ballgame

A ball and glove in their hand.

I knew they were gonna meet their destruction

At their throats was a dodger man

 

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you might find

You get what you need

 

Oh yeah, hey hey hey, oh...

 

And I went down to the bar gathering

To get my fair share of abuse

Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration

If we don't we're gonna blow a 100 year fuse"

Sing it to me now...

 

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you just might find

You get what you need

Oh baby, yeah, yeah!

 

I went down to the local drug stop

To get your 'prescription' filled

I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy Edmonds

And man, did he look pretty ill

We decided that we would have a beverage

My favorite flavor, Old Style

I sung my song to Mr. Jimmy

Yeah, and he said one word to me, our season's "dead"

I said to him

 

You can't always get what you want, no!

You can't always get what you want (tell ya baby)

You can't always get what you want (no)

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You get what you need

Oh yes! Woo!

 

You get what you need--yeah, oh baby!

Oh yeah!

 

I saw them today at the stadium

In the crowd was a crying man

He was practiced at the art of heartbeak

Well I could tell by his tear-stained hands

 

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find

You get what you need

[treebird]

no

[DiamondMind]

no

[ctcf]

no

[Moises a loo]

I saw them today at the ballgame

A ball and glove in their hand.

I knew they were gonna meet their destruction

At their throats was a dodger man

 

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you might find

You get what you need

 

Oh yeah, hey hey hey, oh...

 

And I went down to the bar gathering

To get my fair share of abuse

Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration

If we don't we're gonna blow a 100 year fuse"

Sing it to me now...

 

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you just might find

You get what you need

Oh baby, yeah, yeah!

 

I went down to the local drug stop

To get your 'prescription' filled

I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy Edmonds

And man, did he look pretty ill

We decided that we would have a beverage

My favorite flavor, Old Style

I sung my song to Mr. Jimmy

Yeah, and he said one word to me, our season's "dead"

I said to him

 

You can't always get what you want, no!

You can't always get what you want (tell ya baby)

You can't always get what you want (no)

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You get what you need

Oh yes! Woo!

 

You get what you need--yeah, oh baby!

Oh yeah!

 

I saw them today at the stadium

In the crowd was a crying man

He was practiced at the art of heartbeak

Well I could tell by his tear-stained hands

 

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find

You get what you need

 

Wow, dude, sorry no one liked yours. Cause I know mine was OUTSTANDING.

[jam1975]

Can i try my hand at this? Here goes:

 

[intro]

Young Money

Ya Digg

Yeah

Mac I'm going in

 

[Verse 1]

A Millionaire,

I'm a Young Money Millionaire

Tougher than Nigerian hair

My criteria compared to your career

Just isn't fair

I'm a venereal disease

Like a menstrual bleed

Threw the pencil it leak

On the sheet of the tablet in my mind

Cause I don't write ****

Cause I ain't got time

Cause my seconds, minutes, hours

Go to the almighty dollar

And the almighty power

Of that chit cha cha chopper

Sister, Brother, Son, Daughter

Father ********** copper

Got da maserati dancin

On the bridge ***** poppin

Tell the coppers

Hahaha you can't catch Em

You can't stop Em

I go by them goon rules

If you can't beat Em

Then you bop Em

You can't man Em

Then you mop Em

You can't stand Em

Then you drop Em

You pop Em

Cause we pop Em

Like Orville Redenbacher

 

[Verse 2]

********** I'm Ill

Yeah

A Million here

A Million there

Sicilian ***** with long hair

With coke in her derriere

Like smokin the thinest air

I open the Lamborghini

Hopin them crackers see me

Like look at that bastard Weezy

He's a beast

He's a dog

He's a ***********' problem

Ok your a goon

But what's a goon to a goblin

Nothin' nothin' you ain't scarin' nothin'

On some ****** ********

Call em Dennis Rodman

Call me what you want *****

Call me on my Sidekick

Never answer when it's private

Damn I hate a shy *****

Don't you hate a shy *****

Yeah I ate a shy *****

She ain't shy no more

She changed her name to My *****

Yea ***** that's my *****

So when she ask for the Money

When you through

Don't be surprised *****

And it ain't trickin if you got it

But you like a ***** with no a s s

You ain't got ****

********** I'm Ill, not sick

And I'm ok but my watch sick

Yea my drop sick

Yea my glock sick

And my knot thick

I'm it

********** I'm Ill...

 

The Cubs disappointed me in the postseason.

 

[Verse 3]

See

They say I'm rappin like BIG

Jay

And Tupac

Andre 3000

Where is Erykah Badu at

Who that

Who that said they gon beat Lil Wayne

My name ain't Bic

But I keep that flame man

Who that one that do that boy

Ya knew that, chew that, Swallow

And I be the ****

Now you got loose bowels

I don't owe you like two vowels

But I would like for you to pay me by the hour

And I'd rather be pushin flowers

Then to be in the penn sharin' showers

Tony told us this world was ours

And the bible told us every girl was sour

Don't play in her garden

And don't smell her flower

Call me Mr. Carter or Mr. Lawn Mower

Boy I got so many *******

Like I'm Mike Lowry

Even Gwen Stefani

Said she couldn't doubt me

********** I say life

Ain't **** without me

Chrome lips pokin out

The coupe like it's poutin

I do what I do and you do

What you can do about it

***** I can turn a crack rock

Into a mountian

Dare me

Don't you compare me

Cause there ain't nobody near me

They don't see but they hear me

They don't feel me but they fear me

I'm Illi

 

[Outro]

C3

3Peat

Hmhmhm

 

I think that's a hit! And it's current; seriously, Huey Lewis and the News? The Rolling Stones? You guys are old and white! You'll never get a teenage demographic with those songs.

Sorry about all the "*" but I'm trying to respect board rules and get airplay on "106 and Park". Somebody alert Weird Al, there's a new master of song parodies. Young Money!

[Moises a loo]

You guys are old and white! You'll never get a teenage demographic with those songs.

I'll have you know I'm a nine year old girl from Zimbabwe

[manbearcub]

Wow, dude, sorry no one liked yours. Cause I know mine was OUTSTANDING.

 

LOL, Im trying to take the pressure off the team and gather the fans hate on to me.

 

Im the ozzie guillen of NSBB.

[haubrich91]

I'm adding some of that to my signature. :-))

[FergieJ31]

As long as we're putting up bad parodies, here's one sent to me by a trashtalking Sox fan friend of mine (the cheer/beer couplet is pretty weak).

 

I didn't mind this much because I kind of hate Go Cubs Go. I love what it symbolizes, of course, but hate the crappy little ditty itself.

 

 

Woe Cubs woe,

Woe Cubs woe-oh-ohh

Hey Chicago let’s all sing,

Cubs will never win a thing.

 

They got the power they got the speed

To be the best in the National League

Then Wrigley Field became Cubbie hell,

But there's good baseball at the Cell.

 

Woe Cubs woe,

Woe Cubs woe-oh-ohh

Hey Chicago let’s all rhyme

The Cubs are booking their tee time.

 

When the pressure’s on and the chips are down,

Cubs will flub like Bozo the Clown.

All Cub fans crave something to cheer,

Cuz all they have is lukewarm beer.

 

They’re singing:

 

Woe Cubs woe,

Woe Cubs woe-oh-ohh

Hey Chicago, well whaddya know!

Cubs are gonna fail to show.

[SouthSideRyan]

As long as we're putting up bad parodies, here's one sent to me by a trashtalking Sox fan friend of mine (the cheer/beer couplet is pretty weak).

 

I didn't mind this much because I kind of hate Go Cubs Go. I love what it symbolizes, of course, but hate the crappy little ditty itself.

 

 

Woe Cubs woe,

Woe Cubs woe-oh-ohh

Hey Chicago let’s all sing,

Cubs will never win a thing.

 

They got the power they got the speed

To be the best in the National League

Then Wrigley Field became Cubbie hell,

But there's good baseball at the Cell.

 

Woe Cubs woe,

Woe Cubs woe-oh-ohh

Hey Chicago let’s all rhyme

The Cubs are booking their tee time.

 

When the pressure’s on and the chips are down,

Cubs will flub like Bozo the Clown.

All Cub fans crave something to cheer,

Cuz all they have is lukewarm beer.

 

They’re singing:

 

Woe Cubs woe,

Woe Cubs woe-oh-ohh

Hey Chicago, well whaddya know!

Cubs are gonna fail to show.

 

I think Alfonso Soriano wrote that one.

[rickrolled]

no

[Butterscup1679666578]

Wait...what?

[Moises a loo]

I'm adding some of that to my signature. :-))

 

Thank you

[questionmarkgrace]

How bout we just get rid of that song it is horrible.

[Moises a loo]

I don't know, all these eloquent critiques are so inspiring. I can't even decide which parody to write next:

 

You Can't Always Hit When You Want

 

Might As Well Face It, You're Addicted To Cubs

 

There's No End To The Curse And We Know It (And I Will Whine)

 

Stop! In The Baseman's Glove

 

Wish They All Could Be Fukudome Twirls

 

While My Fanbase Gently Weeps

 

When the dude hits a jack but it's caught at the track

That's Aramis

When his day's error-free, thanks to big Derrek Lee

That's Aramis

When you flush down the can a great year that began

With such promise

Hey there bub that's the rub playing third for the Cubs

That's Aramis

 

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I think some people take this stuff way too seriously. I don't think there's ever been a needier group of fans in the history of sports than Cub fans. Maybe if the fans would get over themselves and their "pain", it wouldn't be so life-and-death for the players and they could relax and perform to their abilities in the playoffs. So yeah, that's my whole message here. Have fun with it. And if you don't like song parodies, you don't have to read them.

[JimSorgi]

please stop now

[Butterscup1679666578]

We're needy because you make lame song parodies?

[Moises a loo]

Yeah, the arrogant dismissive piling-on thing? If you want me to slink away sheepishly you're gonna have to do better than that. Ignoring it would've been a better choice.

[imb]

i wish i could ban you from this planet

[jersey cubs fan]

We're not done venting yet, are we? Because that would be a shame.

 

 

(to the tune of "I Want A New Drug" by Huey Lewis and the News)

 

 

I want a new Cub

One that won't make me hurl

One that won't win a hundred games

Then turn into a girl

 

I want a new CUB

One that ain't 'fraid o' goats

One that won't crap his pants

When the team needs him most

 

One that won't make me freak out

One that won't make me spew

One that won't play hopscotch in left field like you-know-who

And knows the strike zone too

 

I want a new Cub

One that won't tempt fate

One that won't pitch like Mr. Magoo

When Derek Lowe is at the plate

 

I want a new CUB

One I'm proud to call mine

One that lights up the other team

Not the suicide hot line

 

One that won't make me nervous

One that ain't filled with fear

One that will not play like Miss October every year

Year after year after year

After year after year after year, baby

 

I want a new Cub

One that plays like a man

One that won't blame a stinking cat

One that won't blame a stinking fan

 

I want a new CUB

One that plays like he should

One that's less like "Neal and Bob"*

One that's more like HARDEN/ WOOD

 

One that won't get my hopes up

Then turn around and choke

One that makes me feel like I'm not a freaking joke

Makin' we want to croak

Chokety choke choke choke

Choke choke choke choke choke choke choke choke

 

 

 

*some apologies to Cotts, whose name was in the wrong place at the wrong time

 

I saw them today at the ballgame

A ball and glove in their hand.

I knew they were gonna meet their destruction

At their throats was a dodger man

 

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you might find

You get what you need

 

Oh yeah, hey hey hey, oh...

 

And I went down to the bar gathering

To get my fair share of abuse

Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration

If we don't we're gonna blow a 100 year fuse"

Sing it to me now...

 

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you just might find

You get what you need

Oh baby, yeah, yeah!

 

I went down to the local drug stop

To get your 'prescription' filled

I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy Edmonds

And man, did he look pretty ill

We decided that we would have a beverage

My favorite flavor, Old Style

I sung my song to Mr. Jimmy

Yeah, and he said one word to me, our season's "dead"

I said to him

 

You can't always get what you want, no!

You can't always get what you want (tell ya baby)

You can't always get what you want (no)

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You get what you need

Oh yes! Woo!

 

You get what you need--yeah, oh baby!

Oh yeah!

 

I saw them today at the stadium

In the crowd was a crying man

He was practiced at the art of heartbeak

Well I could tell by his tear-stained hands

 

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find

You get what you need

 

Wow, dude, sorry no one liked yours. Cause I know mine was OUTSTANDING.

 

You guys are old and white! You'll never get a teenage demographic with those songs.

I'll have you know I'm a nine year old girl from Zimbabwe

 

I'm adding some of that to my signature. :-))

 

Thank you

 

I don't know, all these eloquent critiques are so inspiring. I can't even decide which parody to write next:

 

You Can't Always Hit When You Want

 

Might As Well Face It, You're Addicted To Cubs

 

There's No End To The Curse And We Know It (And I Will Whine)

 

Stop! In The Baseman's Glove

 

Wish They All Could Be Fukudome Twirls

 

While My Fanbase Gently Weeps

 

When the dude hits a jack but it's caught at the track

That's Aramis

When his day's error-free, thanks to big Derrek Lee

That's Aramis

When you flush down the can a great year that began

With such promise

Hey there bub that's the rub playing third for the Cubs

That's Aramis

 

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I think some people take this stuff way too seriously. I don't think there's ever been a needier group of fans in the history of sports than Cub fans. Maybe if the fans would get over themselves and their "pain", it wouldn't be so life-and-death for the players and they could relax and perform to their abilities in the playoffs. So yeah, that's my whole message here. Have fun with it. And if you don't like song parodies, you don't have to read them.

 

Yeah, the arrogant dismissive piling-on thing? If you want me to slink away sheepishly you're gonna have to do better than that. Ignoring it would've been a better choice.