Cubs playoff diary - game two

[imb]

Cubs playoff diary

Game two

Ted Lilly (15-8, 3.83 ERA) vs. Doug Davis (13-12, 4.85 ERA)

 

Well, game one came and went just about how I figured it would. Webb won a Cy Young last year for a reason and he seems like he might have been tailor made to give our lineup fits (he likes to get guys to pound sinkers into the dirt, we like to swing at anything). Looking it up real quick, in the last three years he’s 3-1 with a 3.42 ERA against us, sounds about right!

 

I literally walked in the door last night about 30 minutes before game-time, so I had to take a quick look at the earlier games to see what happened. Aside from being stunned at the awfulness of Josh Beckett’s goatee (it looks like he just forgot to shave a patch), I was startled to see that the Phillies big four (Rollins, Utley, Howard and Burrell) went a combined 1-for-14 with two walks and eight strikeouts. I said to myself “boy, I hope we avoid doing that tonight.” What did our big three (Soriano, Lee, Ramirez) do? They went 1-for-13 with five strikeouts and seven men left-on-base. Outstanding work, thanks guys! Lee k’d three times all by himself, looking completely perplexed at the wicked movement on Webb’s assortment of pitches. It’s hard to be too tough on him, since everyone not named DeRosa looked just as bad.

 

So on to Thursday! Doug Davis exemplifies the Diamondback’s team perfectly. He sports a 4.85 ERA, a 1.59 WHIP (!!!!), 95 walks and 211 hits allowed in 192.2 innings pitched. That means he has given up 306 runners in under 200 innings…and he has a winning record. That’s the Diamondbacks for you.

 

On one hand, we should destroy Davis. We have a lot of right-handed power and he’s a crappy lefty. On the other hand, he’s a crappy lefty and they seem to always kill us. Do they really? I don’t know, I can’t find the split for that stat on baseball-reference (get to work, guys).

 

Winning this game is absolutely crucial. If we lose, we go back to Chicago down 2-0 with Rich “The offense never scores any runs for me” Hill. Is that who we want to bet the farm on? In actuality, his peripherals are as good as Ted Lilly’s, he just inspires no confidence in me for some dumb, primal reason. Speaking of Lilly, besides looking like a serial-killer, he has been a pretty money pitcher this year (9-1 in games after a Cubs loss) and Doug Davis is dog-crap, so I feel good.

 

After the game last night, I kept the TV on TBS and watched the post-game stuff, and you know what? It was really pretty enjoyable. Obviously the chemistry between EJ, Cal Ripken and Frank Thomas is nowhere near the level that Johnson enjoys with Barkley and Kenny “The Jet” Smith, but it’s not bad. Something about Ernie Johnson just puts me in a good mood. Maybe it’s his desperate “hey guys, check out these Weezer glasses I got, cool right?” clinging to his younger days. Whatever it is, it works.

 

Quick note, I just looked at the Rockies and the Phillies starting pitchers today. I only saw their respective last names, Kendrick and Morales. I couldn’t tell you their first names if you gave me a hundred guesses (Maybe I could, I bet they’re Spanish). Rockies and Phillies, playoff baseball on TBS! None of that sentence sounded right.

 

Anyway, on to the diary! (Or dairy, if you have dyslexia. Or have dyslexic, like Kige Ramsey would say.)

 

9:07 – Soriano (0-5 last night) digs in and takes the first pitch for a strike. Meanwhile, the graphic on the bottom of the screen shows that Cleveland is up 12-3 over New York. All my poser Yankee fan friends can suck a fat one.

 

9:08 – Soriano strikes out on a pitch that bounced about 11-feet in front of the plate. Doug Davis has the slowest windup I have ever seen, even Steve Trachsel was complaining.

 

9:10 – Theriot lines a single over Reynolds and into leftfield. Now it’s time for Lee and Ramirez to do something. If Theriot gets a good read, he could probably take second here.

 

9:13 – And Lee grounds into a force out at second. The one-to-ten jokes are already flying. “On a scale of 1-10, Lee looks pretty bad right now.”

 

9:16 – Ramirez K’s on a 60-mph breaking pitch. Last night Soriano, Lee and Ramirez went 1-13, in the first inning? They combine to go 0-3 with three strikeouts. Great start, fellas.

 

9:18 – I switch over to FX during commercial to check out “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and apparently Dee and Charlie are working at a Bennigan’s-type restaurant. Can’t wait to watch that when the game ends.

 

9:20 – Lilly walks Chris Young to lead off the bottom of the 1st. Playing with fire, guys.

 

9:22 – Lilly is alternating between throwing fastballs two-feet out of the zone and slow, lazy pickoff moves to first. Bad feeling creeping in.

 

9:27 – With Chris Young dancing around on first base, Lilly looks confused with whether to go home or to first with each leg kick. This is why you don’t walk the leadoff guy.

 

9:29 – Eric Byrnes walks, putting runners on first and second for Conor Jackson. I’m pretty much totally anticipating a bases-clearing double right now.

 

9:31 – Jackson grounds into an apparent double-play, but Lee drops a low toss from Theriot, leaving runners on first and third with two outs for that bastard Mark Reynolds.

 

9:34 – Lilly bears down and whiffs Reynolds. 0-0 after one inning (the score is low but my blood-pressure is sky high. That there’s a joke, folks.)

 

9:38 – Matt Murton leads off the second inning with a little chopper that bounces off the bare-hand of Mark Reynolds. I can’t count how many times in the last two years that Murton has reached first on one of those crap singles. Either he’s mastered the art, or he’s one lucky SOB.

 

9:41 – GEOVANY SOTO rips a liner to LF that sneaks over the fence, giving the Cubs their first lead of the series. Davis (95 walks in the regular season) went to a 3-1 count, lobbed in a meatball and Soto spanked it. On a scale of one-to-ten, I feel pretty good right now.

 

9:46 – Lilly bunts foul for the third time in his at-bat – strikeout. The Cubs pitchers have been absolutely brutal at bunting all year. Lilly is going to go back to the dugout and turn someone’s skin into a lampshade.

9:56 – Lilly gives up a single, walks Justin Upton and throws a first-pitch ball to Augie Ojeda. At this point I’m think of turning him into a lampshade.

 

9:59 – Doug Davis taps a sac bunt to Lilly, who lets it sneak under his glove. Luckily Ramirez fielded it and threw him out at first. Dick Stockton offered up this fantastic play-by-play, “Lee……………………………………………………………”. Thanks Dick.

 

10:03 – Literally seconds after I told my brother “have to be careful with Young, he could hit one out and make it 3-2”, he hits one out and makes it 3-2. To be fair to Lilly, the homer barely snuck out of the park, winding up in about the 45th row in leftfield.

 

10:06 – Eric Byrnes triples in a run off the left-field wall, making it 4-2. Lilly is getting rocked but if we go to the pen, who comes in, Marquis? Can’t say I feel too positive about that.

 

10:09 – Well, we’re out of the inning, time for the fifteenth frankTV commercial of the night. At this point, I hate these commercials almost as much as I hate the Diamondbacks.

 

10:22 – Freaking Mark Reynolds dumps a single into right field. I’m really sick of him right now. Lilly appears to have absolutely nothing.

 

10:24 – Chris Snyder grounds into a double-play, Theriot-to-DeRosa-to-Lee. Snyder, who might actually be slower than GEOVANY SOTO, looked to be either halfway to first or maybe ordering a hot dog.

 

10:30 – “You know what the Cubs need to do? They need to get in that ass,” says my mom, who has apparently been watching BET again.

 

10:37 – Ojeda reaches on a bunt single. That’s all well and good except for the fact that he was about a foot out of the baseline. I really, really, really hate this Diamondbacks team.

 

10:43 – Lilly walks his fourth batter of the game, putting runners at first and second and bringing Soto out to the mound. How do you think that conversation is going? “What?” “Que?” “What?” “Que?” “What?” “Que?”

 

10:46 – Stephen Drew laces a triple into right-field, scoring two runs and putting me on suicide watch. The score’s now 6-2 and Ted Lilly is busy sharpening his cutting tools in the locker room. Stephen Drew has quickly become my most hated person on the planet.

 

10:50 – I inexplicably get a prank phone-call from someone using a Crank-Yankers soundboard. Truly the pinnacle of comedy, I thought I had flashed back to 2001 for a minute there.

 

10:52 – I just realized that it’s only the bottom of the fourth. God Lilly and Davis were working slow. There’s still a chance guys, maybe we can hit five solo homeruns.

 

10:58 – Soriano destroys one, bouncing it off the wall and missing a homerun by about a foot. Byrnes wildly throws the ball in and it literally almost hit the first base dugout in the air…and inexplicably Soriano returned to first base. On a side note, I thought that I hated the “light guy” from last night, but the idiots in that seat now are constantly waving during every pitch of every at-bat, and I think I hate them more.

11:01 – SON OF A BITCH! Theriot crushes one to left, unfortunately it only traveled 470-feet, so it ended up being a lazy, warning-track flyball. I really hate this ballpark.

 

11:06 – Ramirez whiffs after going up in the count 3-1. Soriano, Lee and Ramirez are a combined 1-for-9 tonight and 2-for-21 in the series. Sweet.

 

11:17 – Someone just walked and there are runners on first and second for Augie Ojeda. I don’t even know what’s going on, anymore. Apparently Lou is taking Hart out and bringing in Scott Eyre, who looks to have just downed a 12-pack in the bullpen. This will not end well.

 

11:24 – Augie F’ing Ojeda just singled in a run. What in the world is going on? It’s like I entered into a bizarro world. The liner went straight up the middle and bounced off one of Scott Eyre’s fat, sausage-like fingers. Arizona leads 7-2. Those new episodes of Sunny are looking pretty good right now.

 

11:28 – Justin Upton just scored, but I don’t really know how, because I was too busy tying the noose around my neck. Of course, Dick Stockton announced it as “Mark Reynolds crossing the plate”. I’m surprised he refer to the bunt as a layup.

 

11:38 – Did you guys know that Frank Caliendo is getting a new show? I know, crazy, right?

 

11:41 – Soto flies out 683 feet to centerfield. Have I mentioned that I hate this field, yet?

 

11:52 – Daryle Ward works the count to 3-1. Theoretically he could walk here and load the bases, and a single swing could get us right back in the game. Theoretically, I might [expletive] out a Nokia.

 

11:53 – Ward, our best pinch hitter all year, just drove in two runs with an absolute shot to straightaway center that just missed the 576 sign that’s painted on the wall out there.

 

11:55 – Our $136 million dollar man just struck out for the third time today. The big three are now a combined 2-for-22 with ten strikeouts. Fantastic.

 

12:00 – I can’t believe it’s just the bottom of the sixth inning. We’re going on three hours now for god’s sake. Kerry Wood just blew away Eric Byrnes to get the first out of the inning. They just showed him on the mound and a guy in a Prior jersey in the stands (it might as well have actually been Prior for all I know). That just made me really, really sad.

 

12:10 Derrek Lee just singled into center and Ron Darling said something about the Cubs not wanting to have to win three in-a-row against this “Diamondclub” squad. Excellent insight.

 

12:13 – “Frank Caliendo is changing the face of something something”. Sorry, I dozed off there the minute I saw a preview for that show for the twelve-hundredth time.

 

12:23 – Stephen Drew just threw someone out at first, eliciting cheers from the crowd. I hate this guy so much right now.

 

12:26 – The camera pans to Ronnie Woo Woo sitting (actually, standing) in the crowd. Oh, wow, that must just be great. Pay a few hundred bucks to come watch the Cubs lose, and you’re stuck next to Ronnie Woo Woo. I’m surprised that no one has chucked him onto the field yet.

12:38 – Is this thing over with yet? Oooh, another Dane Cook commercial. On a scale of one-to-ten, who do you hate more, Dane Cook or Frank Caliendo?

 

12:43 – Alright, a single up the middle for Soriano. Now if Theriot gets a hit, and Lee homers and Aramis homers….maybe, just maybe.

 

12:46 – Uh oh, Theriot just grounded into an easy double-play ball, but Ojeda bobbled the toss (off of his head, no less) and everyone is safe. Maybe, just maybe.

 

12:49 – Of course, I forgot that god hates me, and Lee gets blown away by a 96-mph fastball. Up to Aramis now.

 

12:50 – Chris Snyder misses a ball in the dirt and Soriano and Theriot advance to second and third. A base hit will most likely cut the lead to two, now.

 

12:51 – Well, Ramirez strikes out swinging and the game is over.

 

I’m not sure what to think about tonight, to be honest. I was willing to let game one slide, since Webb is so good, and Zambrano pitched so well. Tonight is a different story, there is no way we should have performed so poorly. It’s interesting that Lou took Zambrano out too soon and probably left Lilly in too long.

 

One thing’s for sure, Soriano, Lee and Ramirez are going to have to produce some runs, or Saturday night is it for us.

 

The bad news is, of course, that we’re down two games-to-none. The good news is that the Diamondbacks next two pitchers are Livan Hernandez and Micah Owings, and our next two pitchers are Rich Hill and Carlos Zambrano. We can tie this thing up. Hell, we’re going back to Chicago, we SHOULD tie this game up.

 

They showed a stat on TBS tonight that said that something like only 2-out-of-50 teams that have gone down 2-0 have come back to win. If we were to get back to 2-2, though, we’d be throwing Lilly on normal rest, and who wouldn’t feel good about that?

 

In conclusion, we’re down, but not out. On a scale of one-to-ten, we're still in it. See you guys on Saturday.

[Guest]

Oooh, another Dane Cook commercial. On a scale of one-to-ten, who do you hate more, Dane Cook or Frank Caliendo?

 

Ugh, I was thinking how horrible they were when TBS would give us the 1-2 punch of their commercials.

[TruffleShuffle]

Oooh, another Dane Cook commercial. On a scale of one-to-ten, who do you hate more, Dane Cook or Frank Caliendo?

 

Ugh, I was thinking how horrible they were when TBS would give us the 1-2 punch of their commercials.

 

dane cook easily... frank caliendo is being driven into our heads and that's not really his fault; he is really good at impressions and I do find a lot of his stuff funny. Dane Cook, on the other hand, is not funny, steals jokes from other people, and got to make out with Jessica Alba despite being a talentless hack.

[CuseCubFan69]

Thanks again IMB. I just went to your thread instead of the game one.

[rawaction]

On a scale of 1 to 10, that game was a 0. :D I love that joke, hilarious? Am I right?

 

 

Wait, did I do that joke wrong? Or is it right? I don't even know anymore.

[kente777]

Cubs diary:

 

9:05: Turned on the game with cautious optimism.

 

11:15: Turned off the TV and went to bed muttering colorful metaphors.

[rynefan]

Fell asleep in the bottom of the 9th. That game was embarrassing. Can't wait to see my Sox fan friends today. YIPPEE!

[Soul]

I honestly didn't watch it after we got down 7-2.

 

Well -- I got lucky and flipped it back in time for Ward's double. Then I said to myself, "here comes Soriano to look horrible and K"

 

Presto! Yay for sori-predictability!

 

I think I turned on some documentary about hippees after that and fell asleep.

[sandberg23]

Fell asleep in the bottom of the 9th. That game was embarrassing. Can't wait to see my Sox fan friends today. YIPPEE!

 

Uh...there was no bottom of the ninth.

 

 

I think things might turn around in Chicago...I'm hoping they do anyway! Last night sucked hardcore.

[Ding Dong Johnson]

I want to see this 162 times next season

[Soul]

I would post my own playoff diary but it might cause psychological distress to any children that might read it.

[Banedon]

Cubs diary:

 

9:05: Turned on the game with cautious optimism.

 

11:15: Turned off the TV and went to bed muttering colorful metaphors.

 

You made it 45 minutes longer than me.

[BigbadB]

10:43 – Lilly walks his fourth batter of the game, putting runners at first and second and bringing Soto out to the mound. How do you think that conversation is going? “What?” “Que?” “What?” “Que?” “What?” “Que?”

 

That's good stuff.

[Derwood]

i laughed. a lot.

 

figured you'd probably appreciate my new sig, which i made before i read your post