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4/17 Brewers (Anderson) @ World Champion Cubs (Lackey) 7:05 CT CSN-C+/670

Aaron_Kennelly
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Aaron_Kennelly South Bend Cubs

Aaron_Kennelly

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The Brewers come into town tonight to face the World Champion Chicago Cubs. The Cubs -- the best team in baseball -- enter this series fresh off of being swept by a different NL Central also-ran. They'll face Chase Anderson tonight, who'll be chased from the game in short order. Unfortunately for Chase, he'll head to the bump tonight to face the baseball representation of this:

 

 

Anderson's started against the Cubs three times in his career and is 1-0 with a 2.35 ERA in 15.1 IP. He has given up three homers in those starts, though they haven't hurt him too much. That won't be the case this time. The Cubs will be seeking vengeance for being forced to look up at such inferior teams ahead of them in the standings. And the bleachers are hungry. Hungry for dongs. The Cubs have only hit nine homers so far in 2017, which is the lowest total in the NL. This dong-less trend will not continue. The dongsmiths will not allow it. Expect at least 4 tonight.

 

Albert Almora seems like a safe bet to be in the lineup tonight. One of his three career homers came against Anderson. Joe will unleash Almora tonight, to the shock and horror of the rest of the league. With Almora's presence, there will be dongs and glove-dongs aplenty.

 

Taking the ball for the Cubs tonight will be John Lackey. Lackey came to Chicago for jewelry and to devour his opponents; and he already got his jewelry last week. That's bad news for the Brewers. Someone will be offered to the baseball gods as sacrifice to keep John satiated. If I were the Brewers I'd offer up one of their players that clearly doesn't actually exist, like Jett Bandy, lest Lackey consume their newfound Ruthian dong-masher, Eric Thames. Here is a picture of Lackey licking his lips to savor one of his victims last year:

 

http://www.trbimg.com/img-580965c6/turbine/la-dodgers-cubs-live-game-5-nlcs-john-lackey-is-just-that-type-of-1477009545

 

Lackey is 5-2 with a 3.28 ERA in his career against the Brewers. He'll be 6-2 after tonight. Over his first two starts, Lackey's been at his best since putting on a Cubs uniform, posting a 3.00 ERA, a 2.43 FIP, and striking out 12.75 batters per 9 innings. The Cubs' bullpen has faltered lately, but that won't be an issue tonight. Lackey is going to handle this one all on his own. And he'll be backed by a plethora of dongs. Expect the Cubs to win, and win big. They have some work to do in order to get their record back to where it should be and smooth out run differential numbers and the like. And they'll do so while making this poster undefeated as a game thread starter.

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Sammy Sofa GOAT

Sammy Sofa

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Random note: Zobrist's contact rate is down 10 points. Russell and KB are ahead of him right now.

 

FREE HAPP.

 

Hahahah! Just noticed David's awesome change to his sig.

David GOAT

David

Old-Timey Member
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Random note: Zobrist's contact rate is down 10 points. Russell and KB are ahead of him right now.

 

FREE HAPP.

 

Hahahah! Just noticed David's awesome change to his sig.

 

credit to sneakypower

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