I hope we trade every last player in the farm system in a 12-team deal that brings in Josh Hamilton, Carlos Gonzalez, Ryan Braun, Joey Votto, Robinson Cano, Justin Verlander, Stephen Strasburg, and Matt Cain. Then I hope Josh Hamilton relapses on the team plane, commandeers the cockpit in a PCP rage, eats the pilot, crashes the plane, and kills everyone on board. Then I hope the Cubs run a promotion the next day where the first 25 fans to enter the stadium get a major league contract. Then they get moved to Jacksonville, go on a 643-game losing streak, and fanboy Tom finally sells the team so he can focus on the dogfighting ring he's running out of Wrigley. Anything short of this, and fire Theo. Either that, or we can just hope to get a grip and make it through a season that wasn't destined to be anything resembling memorable in the first place.