Clem Fandango

God bless that little girl

Ho hum. Another day, another victory for the Cubs. We finally got some donging in courtesy of Sexy Dexy and our triumphantly returning Jorge as they both unleashed monster dongs in the first inning and never looked back. And Lester kicked some ass against his former contractually obligated team. It was to be expected. This is the part where I say the Cubs have a tough challenge ahead of them though because they'll be going up against Sonny Gray, one of the brighter young pitchers in all of baseball, but if you haven't been keeping up, Sonny Gray is pitching more like Sonny Chiba, a.k.a. someone who can't pitch at all. I'd post a photo of Sonny Gray, but he's awfully boring this year so here's some video of Sonny Chiba beating people up and ripping a man's dick off instead: Also, here's Sonny Gray's deplorable statistics this year: W L ERA G GS IP BB SO WP ERA+ FIP WHIP H9 HR9 BB9 SO9 SO/W 5 10 5.84 20 20 111.0 42 91 15 69 4.79 1.523 10.3 1.5 3.4 7.4 2.17 I mean seriously, a 69 ERA+? A sub 6.00 ERA? Come on. Meanwhile, in the Cubs clubhouse, Jake Arrieta prepares for his next battle as he attempts to regain a grip on being the best pitcher in the National League. He's only had two solid starts over his last 6 outings unfortunately, but one of those came in his previous start against Seattle, which is a decent team. Oakland, however, is not a decent team. I'd say they're a AAAA team, but they're not really even deserving of that designation. This should be easy work for Jake, and even easier work for our offense. Here's a picture of Jake looking exquisite as horsefeathers after he realizes his next start comes against the middling A's. http://i.imgur.com/8XyjFcf.jpg?1 And here are his numbers on the year: W L ERA G GS IP BB SO ERA+ FIP WHIP H9 HR9 BB9 SO9 SO/W 12 5 2.75 21 21 134.1 49 139 144 3.00 1.065 6.3 0.5 3.3 9.3 2.84 Still with a 2.75 ERA even after giving up 4 or more runs in 4 of his last 6 starts. A 6 game swoon is nothing to fear, he's getting his groove back, like Tommy La Stella is, somewhere, and this is just going to be a tune up for the reigning Cy Young. Although Kyle Hendricks looks on with a judgemental gaze if he does poorly. And we do not want to piss off this man: http://i.imgur.com/H7Dcsm5.jpg?1

SOLER IS FIXED

Good news guys. The A's are vulnerable to the Cubs' strengths tonight. They're all super creeped out and paranoid because their trainer has been spying on them in the weight room: http://www.cbssports.com/mlb/news/as-coach-reportedly-uses-hidden-weight-room-camera-to-spy-on-players/

Or that.

Please answer... It's regionally on CSN. I don't know if Wisconsin has CSN or some weird Wisconsin version that only shows Brewers games, but that will be your best bet unless they have an MLB Extra Innings package or something.

It's a shame Tommy La Stella wasn't on the team so we could send him to AAA again

There's so much that's both wrong and right about those rankings.

The first thing I noticed is that it was all white guys. What Dex and fowler can't play golf? I'll bet Javy drives it a mile. Probably swings and misses 20% of the time, though. ...I have no joke here. I feel like this isn't getting enough attention.

After the longest day off in history, the Cubs are set to face the Athletics of Oakland after sweeping the Marlins in dramatic fashion. And by dramatic fashion, I mean one of the worst pitching meltdowns of the year that was capped by one of the worst wild pitches ever thrown in history. HISTORY! The Cubs will be facing off against Dillon Overton This son of a bitch is clearly the owner of several Abraham Lincoln costumes, which can be the only reason he's kept this beard since he was last in college 3 years ago. http://cdn2.newsok.biz/cache/lead630-42b977957bc065c1f5eb10d0131c79be.jpg http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/images/players/head_shot/592614.jpg He's also the proud owner of this MLB stat line: W L ERA G GS IP ER HR BB SO ERA+ FIP WHIP H9 HR9 BB9 SO9 SO/W 1 2 9.33 4 4 18.1 19 9 6 11 44 9.30 2.182 16.7 4.4 2.9 5.4 1.83 Meanwhile, we have our ace-caliber salaried #2 Jon Lester going for us. http://i.imgur.com/8bgk1KH.jpg?1 The legends say that when he posed for this picture he became such a method performer that he maintained this pose and only this pose 24 hours a day in preparation for his battle tomorrow against Dillon Overton. Just kidding, he wouldn't waste his time on preparing for a match against Dillon Overton. He just ate wings and drank beer like true American should. Here's what Lester's numbers look like: W L ERA G GS IP BB SO ERA+ FIP WHIP H9 HR9 BB9 SO9 SO/W 11 4 2.95 21 21 128.1 38 125 135 3.89 1.106 7.3 1.2 2.7 8.8 3.29 He's doing alright I guess. I mean he's no Dillon Overton. Also, I had mentioned that the special win yesterday was going to warrant a special game thread. My intentions were to insert footage from the walk off wild pitch over the scene in Major League where the Indians beat the Yankees at the end and poorly dub over Uecker's voice with a droll "Cubs" every time he said "Indians", but I couldn't make it work. Oh well. Anyways, keep winning Cubs. I know we're in Oakland and it's a cavernous pit of despair and sadness in that ballpark, but I hope we can hit at least one dong off the guy who has given up 9 of them in only 18 innings.

The extra day calls for an extra effort for the next game thread.

Holy horsefeathers this is awesome

If there's anyone who's probably really upset with that bunt decision, it's John Lackey.

because he's side armed which will really freak out the opponents. Or something. I hate that this is an actual reason. It's such a Jim Hendry reason to acquire someone.

Jeff Mathis? Really? horsefeathers you, Lackey

Its real Well...

Has Lackey seriously been acting flippant about Dee Gordon getting a couple hits off of him or is this all exaggerated a bit because we all dislike John Lackey and want more reasons to not like him?

I feel like you really missed on a chance for a "bold looks of Koehler" joke here. Touché

Edwin Diaz K'd 3 guys to get his first save of the year. His K/9 is sitting at a cool 18.0 over 26 innings. If he can keep it above 16.66 it would be a record for a relief pitcher, though he may not have the innings to qualify.

The wins just keep on coming. Jose Fernandez proved to be mortal, though he did strike out 8 batters over 6, keeping that K game strong, mostly against Javy, though. That's okay, the Cubs have ways of making you lose. Primarily by not letting you score as Utz© Spokesboy Jason Hammel continues to put "2nd Half Hammel" into the dumpster along with his typical 2nd half stats. Way to go Jason. Rondon and Lefty Ike Turner (©2016 sneakypower All Rights Reserved) are proving to be a formidable duo at the backend of the bullpen as well, way to go guys. Tomorrow the fish are futily throwing out Tom Koehler at us. Contrary to popular belief, Tom Koehler is not the founder and CEO of the Kohler sink manufacturer, but he's gonna wish he was after the donging the Cubs will lay upon him tomorrow (because he'd be super rich without a care in the world, duh). Despite not being a sink empresario, he is however the owner of a face that always looks like he's trying to hide a secret and/or imply he needs to tell you something important: http://i.imgur.com/1d2hoeh.jpg Also his stats looks like this: Year W L ERA G GS IP BB SO ERA+ FIP WHIP H9 HR9 BB9 SO9 SO/W 2016 8 8 4.18 21 21 114.0 54 89 94 4.27 1.465 8.9 0.8 4.3 7.0 1.65 He is not that good, and he walks a ton of guys. Luckily our team likes to draw walks so this will be a... walk... in the park? The park being Wrigley? High five? Anyone? He'll be facing John Lackey. John Lackey has 205 teeth. He started his career with 32 teeth like a normal person, but then he started growing a tooth with each professional MLB victory. He started this year with 197 teeth. He will be looking to grow his 206th tooth tomorrow. Here's what his teeth look like: http://i.imgur.com/6lgEcvx.jpg?1 Here's what his stats look like: Year W L ERA G GS IP SO ERA+ FIP WHIP H9 HR9 BB9 SO9 SO/W 2016 8 7 3.69 21 21 136.2 137 108 3.80 1.090 7.1 1.1 2.7 9.0 3.34 The John Lackey "I'm-a-terrible-pitcher-just-kidding-no-I'm-not-double-psyche-out-yes-I-am-or-am-I" rollercoaster continues tomorrow. Keep winning Cubs.

lol http://i.imgur.com/nSHaFuZ.png

I know where I would go. It was actually nsbblol.wordpress.com, but it appears Meph has removed it from existence. To the way-back machine! https://web.archive.org/web/20121118101003/http://nsbblol.wordpress.com/ Ha, he made a post back in 2012.

I think we all know where we'd go if NSBB shuts down

His shields are down. Time to fire the proton dongs.