Clem Fandango

There was a time not long ago that I would've given up really good prospects to acquire that guy, and that's why I'm sitting in my bedroom and not an office at Wrigley.

It took me forever just to find a series of them to pirate that wasn't just one giant long video file of every episode. I never understood it either.

It's hot. It's hammy. It's cheesy. It's a hot ham and cheese, bitch. I think.

With the win last night, the Cubs became the first team to reach 70 wins and John Lackey acquired his 174th tooth. Congratulations, John. Please don't hurt me. Anyways, 8 in a row! The Angels will be sending up former Cubs great, Ricky Nolasco. You might remember Ricky as the hidden centerpiece of the Juan Pierre trade! Thanks for that, Ricky. Juan really showed up for us that year and led the league in hits (AND NOTHING ELSE YOU HEAR ME) as he's want to do! Ricky Nolasco's stats this year look like this: W L ERA G GS IP BB SO ERA+ FIP WHIP H9 HR9 BB9 SO9 SO/W 4 8 5.23 22 22 130.2 29 97 79 4.47 1.332 10.0 1.4 2.0 6.7 3.34 He's almost as bad as Jered Weaver. Almost. Let's see if the Cubs can get him there. The Cubs are sending up Jason Hammel who still has yet to turn into a pumpkin. Keep eating them tater chips, Jason! http://i.imgur.com/RNBvs11.jpg Given this recent string of victories the Cubs are pulling out, I'm trying not to get to confident about my abilities to clearly be the driving force behind this winning streak, but horsefeathers it. I'm giving in to dark side Keep winning, Cubs.

Here's some good reading: http://www.espn.com/blog/chicago/cubs/post/_/id/40425/john-lackey-qa-what-annoys-him-about-baseball-today-a-lot-of-things Enjoy!

horsefeathers you Lackey. Swing the horsefeathering bat, horsefeathers.

When the broadcast busts out Benny Hill you dun goofed. I think Weaver is gonna think about retiring after this.

I actually kinda figured Rizzo would try and steal with Weavers lack of heat

Don't mind me, I'm just bitter I'm still 47,000 in line.

I think you're all leaving out Kyle Hendricks who will go on his own Arrieta-like run and not give up a run until 2017.

Hitting homers onto the roof of Tiger Stadium will do wonders for your legacy. I mean if Glenallen Hill didn't hit that rooftop homer at Wrigley how many of us would look back fondly on his time with the Cubs, or his time in the majors in general?

That's pretty damn cool, actually. The ESPN article made it sound like he was still getting paid, but that could just be bad wording.

I know we were all like "horsefeathers you matusz good riddance" but I'm genuinely glad he's still in the org after they reported they found a flaw in his mechanics. His contract situation is why he came up so abruptly and if he's gonna get fixed its gonna take more time than 5 or 6 minor league starts to do so.

Eh, he's still extremely young. Some kids just can't handle the big leagues that early. I think it's very possible he ends up being fine down the road, but definitely not any time soon.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim will send up Jered Weaver to try and take down the Cubs on Tuesday..... Jered Weaver's stats look like this: W L ERA G GS IP HR BB SO ERA+ FIP WHIP H9 HR9 BB9 SO9 SO/W 8 8 5.11 21 21 123.1 23 33 64 78 5.42 1.451 10.7 1.7 2.4 4.7 1.94 He gives up lots of home runs and runs in general. What a boner. Meanwhile, John Lackey was unable to collect his 206th tooth the last time I started his game thread but that might be because I, for whatever reason, read his statistics completely wrong and just realized he only has 173 teeth, not 205. My bad, John. Sorry for getting your statistics wrong. I didn't mean it! I swear! No! NO! NO JOHN STOP! http://i.imgur.com/vajnmOy.jpg Keep winning, Cubs. For all our sakes, or else Lackey will get you.

There goes the no hitter

YESSSSSS

I also love that the guy who wrote this letter probably spelled Theo's name wrong. Too perfect. What would be even better is if that story made the rounds enough to get back to Theo and the Cubs and they were able to reach out specifically to that kid and give him an all access tour of the confines and let him throw out the first pitch and sit behind home plate while he chatted with Cubs legends and was presented with an autographed ball of the entire Cubs roster, just to stick it up the White Sox's asses.

Wasn't there someone who had him as their avatar for like 2 years or something?

The home run in question: http://m.mlb.com/video/topic/73955164/v1019331083/miacol-stanton-sets-statcast-record-on-504foot-hr/?query=stanton Even HRT had it as a longer home run, by one foot (495 to 494 ft), than his 2012 Coors blast that looks like it clearly travelled further: http://m.mlb.com/video/v23980563/miacol-stanton-hammers-a-solo-blast-to-center/?c_id=mlb

Oh look, another easy victory for the Cubs. Jake was Cy Jake and the offense made Sonny Gray's arm hurt so bad he messed up a muscle people had to google to find out what it was Ouch! Probably for the best, since Gray needs a good excuse to not pitch for an extended period of time. Either way, YAY WINNING!Tomorrow the Cubs face off against Sean Manaea. Manaea has a bright future ahead of him as one of the better pitching prospects coming into this season, but he's been a mixed bag over the course of his season in the majors, with him leaning more on the awful side. I'm sure he'll be a fine pitcher in a couple years, but for now, he's a rookie still getting acquainted with the major leagues so he should come as another easy job for the offense to take on. Manaea is called "Baby Giraffe" for some reason. I don't know why, he looks more like a giant cauliflower to me: http://i.imgur.com/BnZpyIg.jpg?1 His numbers this season look like this: W L ERA G GS IP BB SO ERA+ FIP WHIP H9 HR9 BB9 SO9 SO/W 3 6 4.68 16 15 92.1 23 79 86 4.20 1.310 9.6 1.4 2.2 7.7 3.43 He's still learning, and boy is he gonna learn tomorrow, because he's going up against The Professor, Kyle Hendricks. And guess what? Kyle Hendricks is tired of your horsefeathers http://i.imgur.com/g2DbFJm.png He hears his haters. He hears them when they say "He only throws 90, he shouldn't be this good" or "He's just the #5, he can be beaten easily". He hears you, and to that he says this: W L ERA G GS CG SHO IP BB SO ERA+ FIP WHIP H9 HR9 BB9 SO9 SO/W 10 7 2.22 21 20 2 1 125.2 35 108 178 3.32 1.058 7.0 0.6 2.5 7.7 3.09 That 2.22 ERA? Good for 2nd best in the majors right behind Clayton Kershaw who by the end of the year won't qualify for the ERA title. That means of all active pitchers right now, Kyle Hendricks is the most likely to take your offense and shove it right back up your own ass. Because he's Kyle horsefeathering Hendricks. http://img.pandawhale.com/post-31295-prepare-to-die-gif-Inigo-Monto-gBqJ.gif

Combination of a Saturday afternoon + Olympics?