Sammy Sofa

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Baez also kicks the horsefeathers out of himself to do the amazing baserunning and defensive things he does that helps give him so much extra value, and there's pretty much no way that can age gracefully. Dude is awesome, but he's not going to be able to play through being perpetually banged up for very long.

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Oh, it is indeed a cruel and awful thing for me to do. That's why the Devil's bargain I've made is that 3 wins in a row will kill them forever.

Eh...he's hit two this spring... FAKE STATS. Though I did update the counter to actually reflect what it will be on gameday.

Less than 48 hours to go, so let's dust this thing off. It's time for baseball! Unfortunately, our beloved team is owned and possibly run by complete assholes. But, hey, watching the Cubs win games is fun, so hopefully they do that AND the Ricketteseseseseseseseses end up falling into a Sarlacc pit. Giant Babyman Jonny "Jon-Jon Junior Shabadoo" Lester gets the Opening Day start yet again. Yeah, spring training is spring training, but: HOLY horsefeathers! This dude REALLY sucked in spring training! Hopefully he's just getting the kinks out since he's the baseball equivalent of being 67. Meanwhile, the guy he's squaring off opposite of looks like he's ACTUALLY 67, yet is somehow several years younger than Redface McGoo: So the Rangers are supposed to be terrible; their starting rotation certainly is. Minor loves to give up the dong, so that would be a pleasant way for the Cubs to try and purge the bitter memories of one of the lamest 95-win seasons ever. Along those lines, let me unveil my latest and greatest creation: [dropshadow=blue]The Kris Bryant Days Without a Dong-o-Meter[/dropshadow]: [glow=red][fade]180 DAYS[/fade][/glow] Some might say it's petty going all the way back to September 28th of last year for this...and they'd be right. I am a petty, petty man. I was also stunned to find that he hit TWO dongs last September. That's positively Heyward-ian (just kidding; Jason Heyward would KILL to be on a 2 dong-a month pace). As for the gif theme...well, these creeps need to earn my Mad Men gif love again, so in the meantime they're going to get nothing but gifs from the horror that is The Big Bang Theory. Give me a streak to start it off and I'll knock it off, you jerks!

let's not pretend less chris rose and kevin millar is a bad thing Or that weird dog guy that's always yelling about nothing. He already mentioned Kevin Millar.

Not even...

Sofa will do his best.

Yeah, and send me a million dollars for nothing, please!

My reaction:

Dude's pitched just shy of 300 innings mostly as a reliever over the last 7 years. The odds of him figuring it out t be consistently useful, much less elite, are pretty slim.

It was so fun putting a team together. And the results are going to be so much different this year because there's so much parity. Like before everyone is always going to pick a lot of the same players but now there's a strategy behind it with the addition of dollars and positions. It's like "Well, do I want Stanton here at this much? If I do I can only spend $25 at SS... hmm" whereas before 75% of the field would put Stanton on there because he's the best power hitter in the category and it's a no brainer. Yeah, the variety in the teams alone is so awesome.

And the urge to cosplay as a shitty sportsball owner and field a team of nothing but $25 players was very strong.

Man, more people need to sign up for this. The new format is awesome.

horsefeathers DAMN horsefeathers. Petition to allow my collection of dong mashers to overcome the pitcher just firing everything to the backstop.

BEHOLD THE 2019 SPITEFULS: C - Contreras ($25) 1B - Goldschmidt ($100) SS - Castro ($25) 2B - Cano ($25) 3B - Arenado ($200) OF - Stanton ($200) OF - Judge ($75) OF - Hoskins ($100) OF - Thames ($50) DH - Khris Davis ($200)

This is amazing.

I think he meant the owners, and by north he means Billionaire Heaven, which is actually Hell.

They’ve been incredibly successful for a multi-year time horizon. I know cynic/nihilist is the default state for many, but it’s not out of place to point out when hand-wringing the choice of 4th outfielder. That's certainly a way to gloss over the state of the team and how his role potentially shapes out.

The new market inefficiency is to extend nobody and piss off all the players you have.

It's time for another installment of Whose Disgusting Baseball Finger Is This?

When is the deadline?