Open letter to the public

[Banedon]

Funny stuff!

 

http://www.sportsline.com/mlb/story/10286640

 

Slower-blinking humanoids:

 

I am smarter than you. I operate on a higher intellectual plane, in fact, than anybody except Noam Chomsky -– and that stringy little anarchist isn't exactly known for his facility with a fungo bat.

 

You take issue with my decision to bat the pitcher 8th both Saturday and Sunday? Bah! You know not of what you speak. The grammatical construct of that last sentence confused you.

 

Do not try to discern the wisdom of my ways. Maybe tomorrow I'll bat my pitcher 7th, or 3rd. Maybe I'll have Albert Pujols bunt in 12 consecutive at-bats. Maybe I'll see if So Taguchi can pitch. I owe you no explanation for anything I do.

 

When you expect me to zig, I'll zag. When you think you have the answer, I'll change the question. I am omnipotent, herbivorous, and crushingly handsome. Two hundred years from now, baseball historians will rightly identify me as the intellectual offspring of Bill James and Bart Giamatti. Similarly, tomorrow's bioethicists will laud my spay-that-thing! animal-rights campaigns.

 

In closing, I am right and you are wrong. If I tell you that the sun is blue and that orange juice tastes like Aqua Velva, believe it, bub.

 

Ending the conversation,

Tony La Russa, Esq.

 

Dear Sir or Madam:

 

My name is Dave Littlefield. I am the general manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

 

I like being the general manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Everybody's really nice. Plus there's a pool behind the office and cheese squares in the fridge.

 

Sometimes this job makes me sad. Like when I make bad trades or sign bad players and people tell me I'm not smart. That makes me sad, because I'm trying really hard.

 

If you try hard at something and you're not good at it, that doesn't make you a bad person. At least that's what mom always says.

 

Your friend,

Davey