Sammy Sofa

Bare-faced Schwarber might be even worse than just a Disgusting Baseball Chin. He's the kind of burly behemoth who would benefit from a majestic, well-maintained beard.

Fixed. Me so sleepy.

THEN IT'S ALL WRONG. I will fix. I'm time traveling.

Yeah, somehow I doubt they were this bothered by the decades of mostly futility before 2015.

LOOK AT BANNER, DODGERS: http://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com/journaltimes.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/6/50/650c09e2-e949-5ade-ab11-a71f6ab79993/58ec492f5ff06.image.jpg?resize=1200%2C811 LOOK AT TROPHY, DODGERS: http://www.trbimg.com/img-58ec4359/turbine/chi-cubs-dodgers0410d-ct0050600582-20170410/1300/1300x731 LOOK AT RIZZO, DODGERS: http://www.trbimg.com/img-58ec7742/turbine/chi-cubs-dodgers0410i-ct0050602648-20170410/750/750x750 LOOK AT RICKETTS, DODGERS: http://www.bostonherald.com/sites/default/files/styles/gallery/public/media/ap/2017/04/11/acd08be0eab6441ba45bb660199f1c66.jpg?itok=cPbYRl0C OK, don't look at that last one, but look at the others a LOT. The Cubs deprived us of sleep, but delivered us more awesomeness with a great walkoff win on BANNER DAY. This time, the Dodgers will get to kiss the ring (and, hopefully, the dong) of the foe they can never hope to defeat. Brandon McCarthy is a pretty funny guy who hopefully will be able to see the lighter side of getting donged into another plane of existence. I mean, it's gotta be better than a line drive to the dome, right? John Lackey will be looking to sink his teeth into the Dodgers' fleshy hides...and, well, pretty much anything else in chomping-range. Go get 'em, you dad jeans-wearing motherflunker! RING-DING-[glow=red]DONG[/glow]/RING-A-DING-DING-DING-[glow=red]DONG[/glow] https://youtu.be/pdutmxrdNro

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Almora with the maximum sexiness.

Delicious.

Oh, good; if this game needs anything, it's extra innings.

It cracks me up how it's mutated to "the Cubs tanked on purpose for 5 seasons," like Hendry was in on it or something. Plus isn't the general consensus that 2014 turned into a "tank" year as opposed to them going into it like they did the previous 2 seasons?

There's a video showing them a few posts up from yours. They look exactly like you'd expect indoor bullpens to look. Like horsefeathers. I don't like them. I wouldn't like to sit in them If I were a relief pitcher. Like a fish in bowl. Some would say it's freedom.

You're going down, Peterman. Gonna be drowning your sorrows in yam-yam and Shanghai Sally.

WE DID IT.

Good god, that uniform color is searing.

He's more dong now than man...twisted and evil: [tweet] [/tweet]

Rich Hill's got blisters on he fingers, or something. I dunno; he's broken again, so Alex Wood is pitching. It doesn't really matter who the Dodgers put out there because Lester is going and I'm assuming LA is still a bunch of schnooks against pitchers with the mystical ability to throw with their left hand. Lester might look like he escaped from Making a Murderer, but there's nobody else I'd rather the WORLD SERIES CHAMPION CUBS have out there for their triumphant return home. Bang a dong/get it on, motherhunkers: https://youtu.be/6YTusMMJCGU

"Spank? SPANK?!? SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!!"

So the Cubs are coming off of a pretty tasty win that was accomplished sans dong. Woe betide the foolish team that faces them once they are unsheathed. Let's see them make that day today. Jake is taking the mound so Lester can triumphantly parade in front of the masses at the Home Opener or something, and he's facing a guy who has pretty poopy numbers over 5 starts against the Cubs. Let's get freaky and see something like Heyward boxing the Brewers' ears with a couple of humongous dongs. BANG ON. https://youtu.be/hZkJxq1_31E

Good god. What are you?

Which would make sense if he had said "I'd honestly rather be 2-2 than 4-0" and didn't explain what he was saying. Y'know, that thing that he actually did.

Because it's not automatically "weird" given the drawn out nature of the game we're here to discuss. Sure, 4-0 is great record-wise no matter what, but what if all 4 of those wins were something, like, 8-7, and required the offense donging out of their minds, or multiple comebacks/extra innings wins because the pitching stunk? Whereas the 2-2 team lost 2 very, very close games, the pitching looked damn good, and the "problem" is a stacked lineup getting off to a shaky start at the very beginning of the season. The context of those sample sizes are very different.

Fixed. Forgot that that nightmare matchup has happened FOUR horsefeathering TIMES.

Last's night game was so boring I fell asleep on the couch before it was over. Tonight's game will be the good type of boring as amazing pitcher and world famous boring guy Kyle Hendricks takes the mound. Here he is at Dartmouth wearing a t-shirt that diplomatically does not choose a side in the 2004 World Series: He faces some dude named Tommy Milone, who is already on his fourth team and looks like the weenie lovechild of the bad guy from Desperado: http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/images/players/head_shot/543548.jpg http://www.hotflick.net/flicks/1995_Desperado/995DPO_Joaquim_de_Almeida_005.jpg Let's help the mighty Cubs offense wake up and catch up to the pretty bitchin' pitchin' we've seen so far by posting some choice bangers (you may choose to go with songs or sausages).