Report: Cubs Pursuing Randy Johnson, Tua Tagovailoa, Literally Anyone Else Who Throws Left-Handed

Well, the Cubs’ sort-of, maybe-real pursuit of Garrett Crochet ended with a thud last week, as the Red Sox paid a gargantuan price to land the southpaw ace of the South Siders. While a disappointment for those dreaming of a winning 2025 Cubs team, it also marked a seemingly unceremonious end to one of POBO Jed Hoyer’s longest-standing aspirations: building an all-southpaw rotation.

Weirdly, it doesn't seem like much else matters to Hoyer at this point. He's just chasing lefties, man. Hoyer acknowledged that seeing the Red Sox steal his man was more painful than any breakup he’s ever experienced:

“I won’t lie: it’s crushing, man. I really thought the Mariners and White Sox were going to bite on our ‘godfather offer’ of Nico Hoerner, Isaac Paredes, and the stats from Marlon Byrd’s 2010 All-Star season, but no dice. Kyle Teel is a pretty good ballplayer. I just don’t know who we’re going to start in Game 4 of the Backfield Championships in between Cactus League games.”

After wallowing in his own self-pity for 20 more seconds, Hoyer reflected on the positives in life:

“I gotta tell you, this game [MLB: The Show] is way more relaxing than the version I usually play," he said, absent-mindedly chatting with reporters but seemingly absorbed in the video game in his hands. "Do you think I can sign José Quintana to a three-year deal in free agency in this game?”

The team already has a pair of lefty co-aces in Justin Steele and Shota Imanaga, and free-agent addition Matthew Boyd should find a home at the back end of manager Craig Counsell’s rotation. Southpaw Jordan Wicks stands as a likely candidate to serve as valuable depth in Hoyer’s unholy abomination of a rotation.

With Max Fried already off the market, however, the Cubs have been left to scour the furthest depths of the free-agent waters in order to round out their starting staff, since they seem not to have any tolerance left for the Right—or at least, right-handed hurlers. After tense negotiations, Hoyer agreed to share his top two targets if I could beat him in that same video game. I won 19-0, and the game ended after four innings due to the mercy rule. He never sent up a right-handed batter or gave the ball to a right-handed pitcher, parading Drew Smyly and Mike Tauchman through the pixelated stadium with real tears staining his cheeks.

Kowtowing to the parameters of our wager, Hoyer admitted that the Cubs were deep in negotiations with Hall of Fame pitcher Randy Johnson and Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa:

“First off, the Big Unit is a legend. I remember watching him back when I worked under Theo [Epstein] in Boston. Those were simpler times. And Tua, I mean, c’mon. There’s no way he wants to keep getting his bell rung on the gridiron. Why play quarterback in Miami when you could play September baseball in Chicago for the 75-75 Cubs?”

When pressed on the fact that Johnson retired in 2009 and is now 61 years old, Hoyer merely shrugged and said that anything was better than having to watch another right-handed starter throw an inning at Wrigley Field. He would not comment further on Tagovailoa, who has no known baseball background, but did confirm to the Cubs front office that he can throw a baseball with his left hand.

It’s unclear at this time what Hoyer plans to do with Jameson Taillon and Javier Assad, as they try (while waiting for a call back from Tagovailoa) to acquire Marlins southpaw Jesús Luzardo. Some insiders have suggested that general manager Carter Hawkins will spend all offseason trying to convert Taillon, Assad, and Ben Brown into lefties, lest they be banished to baseball’s equivalent of the Shadow Realm (pitching at Coors Field).