Jed Hoyer Reportedly 'Thrilled' To Be Heading To Arbitration With Kyle Tucker

The Chicago Cubs were lauded for their willingness to go all-in on Kyle Tucker, resident superstar right fielder, in a trade with the Houston Astros that cost them top prospect Cam Smith. Tucker should prove to be the superstar the franchise has been longing for since dumping Kris Bryant, Anthony Rizzo, and Javier Baez at the 2021 trade deadline, and with any luck, it's possible the franchise can sign him to a lucrative extension before he hits free agency next winter.

Well, those extension talks are sure to be progressing in the right direction now, following reports that the Cubs could not come to an agreement on a 2025 salary with Tucker.

This likely means the Cubs will be headed to an arbitration hearing with Tucker, though a remote chance exists that the two parties could still agree to a contract for the 2025 season prior to that.

I had a chance to speak with Jed Hoyer about the news, and though I tried to dance around the topic delicately, he was ecstatic that the Cubs might be able to save some money on their bottom-line this year. "This is a huge win for the Chicago Cubs organization," Hoyer boasted while trying to look for hidden microphones the Ricketts family may have placed in his office. "Kyle Tucker is an excellent addition to our ball club, and no one should mistake this news as us devaluing him. The $2.5 million we anticipate saving when we win the trial will absolutely be repurposed, likely in the form of us signing another No. 5 starter."

The arbitration process, which involves teams and players making cases to a third-party that the monetary figure they offered is the correct one, is notorious for its awkwardness and messy consequences. Players routinely have cited bad-blood relationships with teams that began during arbitration hearings. The athletes, who are merely trying to defend their performance and earn some extra money, are forced to sit and listen to their own franchises denigrate their accomplishments and belittle them as players.

Hoyer, now satisfied that the only ears in the room were his, mine, and perhaps [Seiya Suzuki's agent] Joel Wolfe's, said that he was excited to bash the team's new best player in front of an unfeeling, totally impartial third-party:

"Look, to be honest with you, I don't like baseball players. Hate 'em. This job is the opposite of fun. You get lambasted online by people who think they can do this job better than you even though they dropped out of Northern Illinois after three semesters," he said, staring down into a glass of whisky he seemingly manifested out of thin air. "The one reprieve you get is just taking these greedy... things behind the woodshed and proverbially crushing them. Just making fun of them to their face, letting them know that, in my eyes, they'll never be good enough. God, what a rush."

Asked whether he thought harping on Tucker's shortcomings in a private trial before the outfielder even plays a game with the franchise would hurt their chances of signing him to a long-term extension, Hoyer laughed hysterically for five minutes before handing me a laminated copy of Jason Heyward's contract.